Gone...

She's gone. But she still lives in my heart.
Locked away forever. She will never gain release.
Her body,her soul. leaving without warning.
But her memory. forever in my heart.

She's gone. But she still lives in my soul.
A soul torn apart, not by her.
But by another. He mocks me at every turn.
Knowing to well he is breaking up a family.

She's gone. But she still lives in my life.
A home divided but still as one.
It is not the house of love that we once shared.
But it is still our home. A home to 3.

She's gone. But she still lives in my Love.
A love that knows no bounds. No Time frame.
A love that looks at us through 6 year old blue eyes.
A love that I hope to see in her again.

K. When I look into his eyes I see a love that just a few years ago was so strong that it could endure any problems. I see a love that is worth fighting for.

K. When I look into his eyes, I see YOU.

You are my heart, my Soul, my Life, and my Love.
But most of all you are my friend...

I Love you for all times,

T.

Moving On...

You must move on. Wow. If I had a dime for every time I have heard that over the last week I would be a rich man.

K and I used to love to work at the race track. Corner Marshal, Corner Worker, Track Safety. There were many different names for what we did but the all meant the same. Having fun. Well we have a race this weekend and at the advise of many friends, I told the powers that be that I would be there. The speed, the drivers, standing next to a race track where only a very small wall keeps you safe from the cars. Everyone thought that it would be good for me to get out and play at the track.

Drivers and workers are a very tight family. We try to protect each other when ever we can. And that's where my problems began yesterday. At the morning briefing everyone asked the 2 questions they always ask. "How is RA? (the son) He's ok. How is K? I don't know. Twenty plus times yesterday I heard the same question. How is K? My sorrow grew heavier each time I was asked, but hen came the really hard part. Driving around the track. I place that had made K and I so happy a few months ago, now seemed like a death march. Much doom and gloom. Every where I looked I was reminded of her. Of us. I would tell myself, Hey that's where K and I used to camp. That's where I took the pictures of her and RA with Patrick Dempsey. That's where she broke her ankle. That's where I blew out my knee. (we were working together at the time and it was K that had to rescue me) Then I passed the field. Right after K got her new van, we drove up to the track and slept in her new van. We drove around the track for about an hour looking for the perfect place to park. After we stopped we climbed into the back and made love in her new van. We then just fell asleep holding each other. God we were so happy together. Yesterday the joy of being at the track left my heart. I wanted so bad to just pack up and run from that place as fast as I could. I do not love being at the track anymore. I loathe it. So much for moving on...

I died a little more yesterday... Please K, help me! Please anybody!!!

K. You are my Heart, my Soul, my Life, and my Love.
But most of all you are my Friend.

T.

Sorry...

Heart is breaking. Don't have much to say tonight. I will be tomorrow.

K. You are my Heart, my Soul, my Life and my Love.

T.

Death by Brain...

K. This post is in no way a poke at you or him or anybody else.

Went to bed at 11 pm thinking about her. Woke up at 2 am thinking about her. This has been my sleeping pattern over the last 2 weeks. I can't eat. The thought of food makes me ill. I've lost 12 lbs. over the last week. Why is it that I morn the loss of K that much. Is my heart, my mind not letting me eat to punish me for all the wrongs that I have done to her? Could my body be trying to commit suicide by starvation and me not even know it?

I woke o this morning and lay there wondering what she was doing. She last blogged at 1 am, so see is ether asleep or on the phone with him. She and he both follow a lot of the same blogs. They met through a blog of a really good friend of K's. She loves him and he says he loves her. she says that she is going to meet him. If this is true, then we might have a problem Houston. You see, I told K that I would never try to take our son away from her. That was always a big worry for her. Because of the life path she follows she thinks I would stand up in front of a judge and use that against her. I would never do this, but if this is the love say says it is, then her running off to Texas to be with this man causes an issue. I will not let her take my son half way cross country to live. She will not take my son from me.

I have been handling a lot of questions from a 6 year old little boy over the last few weeks. But Thursday he asked me a question that a thought might better be answered by K. He asked me "Daddy, if you move into a new house will mommy let a new daddy move in here?" OUCH... So yesterday we were sitting on the floor playing a game and I told him to ask his mommy that question. K said "Maybe, we will have to see." I thought to myself, "Wow, I didn't know you could replace a daddy that easily. " Now don't get me wrong here. I am sure she didn't hear the question the way it was asked, but now I had to tell mt son that I was his daddy for all time. Even if I'm not living with him. I told him mommy may have new friends that move in to the house, but I was his daddy. Then K explained to him that I would always be his daddy.

I need to let be running along. I have to be up in a few hours to go Chase Race Cars and Rescue Drivers. Or it the other way around. I never can remember.

Until next time.

K. You are my Heart, my Soul, my Life, and my Love.
But most of all, you are my Friend.

I love you.

T.

PAIN...

I see the pain. The hurt that is tearing at her heart. The anger that only one that has been hurt, truly hurt, can feel.

I watched her sleep last night. It was a dark night. Darker than most. The lightning from a passing storm flashed across her face. In that moment I saw a smile. It's been a rare site to see her smile. She was having a dream. I knew it was not about me. She doesn't smile for me anymore. In that moment she was out of the pain. The pain that I started in her many years ago. In that moment she was happy. A hope that her happiness last longer than one fleeting moment in the dark.

I told her last night that I was not going to let her hurt me anymore. I didn't mean it in a bad way. I told her that I would always love her, that means I will always be in pain. I told her that I was letting go of the anger. I was giving her the freedom to love without having to worry about my striking out at her. Hoping to take away some of the pain...

K, you are my Heart, my Soul, my Life, and my Love.

But most of all, you are my Friend.

T.

I Release You...

I release you...
To find the happiness that I have known since the day I met you.

I release you...
To find the love that rebuilds your.

I release you...
To soar like the beautiful bird that is your soul.

I release you...
To find that one thing that you couldn't find with me.

I release you...
Because it's the right thing to do.

I release you...
From the pain of the last 8 years.

I release you...
From those vows we spoke when we were so much in love.

I release you...
In hopes that you will find your way back to me.

I release you...
But you will always be My Wittle Bunny.

I release you...
Because I Love You.

I release you...
Because I Love You...



K. I release you...

You are my Heart, my Soul, my Life, and my Love.

T.

The Kiss...

My heart lay broken. Pieces to small to hope to put together again. When she said those words yesterday, it felt like the weight of the world had just crashed down on me. When she left for her trip last week the last thing she did before leaving was to give me a kiss. I didn't know it would be the last kiss.

It's only been a week be I already miss so much. I miss the feel of her skin. It's soft like a new baby. I miss her smile. A smile that made me smile even in my darkest times. I miss her eyes. The first time I really saw the moon the way that she sees it was in the reflection of her eyes. I miss her touch. A touch that can tame the most angry of beast. And I miss her kiss. The kiss that said I love you, even if she says she doesn't feel it anymore. A kiss that always said that everything would be alright. A kiss so simple that it was like a fawn. So sweet and tender, but never there long enough. God will I miss her kiss...

K. Remember, you are My Heart, My Soul, My life, and My Love.

T.

My last post???

Well we have reached the end of the road. K came home tonight and without being able to say my piece, she told me she didn't want to be married to me any more. I have to say that I'm kind of numb right now. I am lost. I don't know what to do. I have now lost everything. My car, my job, my home, and the most important thing to me in the world, my wife. Don't get me wrong, I love our son but she was the ying to my yang. I wish that we could just sit down and talk, but she has made up her mind.

Tonight I lost my faith in GOD. I just can't see how someone as loving as God could torture a man as much as I have been tortured. How could he sit back and let this many bad things happen to one person.

This is my last post. I am closing up my laptop, putting it into it's bag, and will not be back.

Remember that you are My Heart, My Soul, My Life, My love.

Goodbye.

8 1/2 years...

I want her to give me the chance to grow with her. Not just in age but in spirit. We talked last night when she stopped on her trip home. She said she did not want to talk about our future on the phone or on the computer. I can respect her for that. She refused to say I love you. That was my first clue that the end is near. Some of her answers were cryptic. Tonight a marriage of 8 1/2 years will come to an end because of my stupidity. I hope that tomorrow I can write you here and tell you I was wrong.

Last night I let my son sleep in the bed with me. I was thinking it might be the last time I get to do that. Isn't it funny how younglings know there is a problem without being told. He looked at me last night and said "Daddy, I think there is a 1% chance that mommy will ask you to live in another house." Then about 10 minutes later he revised that figure to 55%. Kids know. He said he was very sad. I told him that even if I move to another house, it doesn't mean that mommy and daddy don't love him just as much as before.

K.Remember, you are My Heart, My Soul, My Life, My Love.

T

P.S. Please give the chance to grow with you...

The Call...

K called me last to let me know that they were on the road and would be home sometime today. I asked her if there were any chance for us, but she would not answer. She looked at this blog last night and now thinks that she is the cause of this pain. Not True! I have done this to myself. But I am also ready to do what it takes to keep her snuggled up next to me at night. In 16 hours I will know my fate. I can only pray that my fate and hers follow the same path.

K. Don't worry about me hurting myself. If you have seen the true meaning behind this blog, you will know that I have already done that.

Remember, you are My Heart, My Soul, My Life, My Love.

T

Goodbye....

7 days. Not one view. Think I'm going to close down this blog. People don't care to read about someone who is on the edge of eternity. I leave you with the lyrics to a song that beat describe how I feel. Thanks to Pink Floyd for the use of their lyrics.

Goodbye cruel world, I'm leaving you today. Goodbye,Goodbye,Goodbye. Goodbye, all you people, There's nothing you can say to make me change my mind.Goodbye.

48 hours...

The next 48 hours will be the longest of my life. K and her best friend K2 will be spending the next 48 hours driving back from Mass. It's not the fact that she is driving home from so far away that troubles me. It's that until she gets home, unloads, and relaxes I will not know what my future might bring. I want to be a better man but will she let me. I spent last night cleaning and packing some stuff up. Stuff I don't use anymore and won't miss being gone. She should be happy about being able to get into the closet again.


Today is the day of the year that we set aside to remember those who gave all so the we could write are little blogs, Say what we wish about the country and it's leaders. And walk down the street without worry of the goverment stopping us to see if we are who we say we are. I think it's very sad that we set aside one day to do this. We should remember these men and women every morning when we wake up and every night before our heads touch the pillow. But there is also another group we should remember. The Husbands and Wives, Mothers and Fathers, Sisters and Brothers, and the children of these patriots who gave so much for our country. So if you see one of the brave men or women who stand on that wall and protect you from the bad guys, walk up and say thank you. Remember, even if you don't believe in their politics, they are the ones giving you that right to complain.

RIP: Benjamin Fuller, 6:22am, 23 October, 1983. Marine Barricks, Beirut, Lebanon. My Friend, Thank You. You are missed.

K. Remember, you are My Heart, My Soul, My Life, My Love.

T

End...

Piratedred tried to be a good man. It wasn't until the end that he discovered that it was him. He was the one that created all of the problems that brought him to his final day. He lived a full life, but had very few friends. He was alone on his last day. He had no bucket list because he spent his whole life doing what he wanted. He never thought about others feelings. Skydiving, driving race cars, mountain climbing, whitewater rafting, and flying in a stunt plane are only a few of the many things he had done before the end. But with all of this he was only scared 2 times in his life. The day she said "I Do" and the first time he looked into the eyes of their son. It was those 2 days that he realized there was someone else that depended on him for love, support, and a shoulder to cry on. Funny how in the end it was him that needed saving.

So here we are today. Writing an epitaph that will never be seen. For a person who will never be missed. He was a bad husband, a bad father, and a bad friend. No one showed for the service. For a man who loved life so deeply, he had very little to show for it in the end.

How do you say goodbye to someone that was despised. You say "Good Riddance".

And so it ends.....

K, Remember, you are My Heart, My Soul, My Life, My Love.

T

Words...

I can't speak in Poems. I have been told that words can make all the difference. Words can make you fall in love. The lack of words can drive away those who were once so much in love. I wish I could express my self better. Tell those who I love just how much they mean. What I have learned over the last week is that I say "I love you" often, but I don't show it enough. If given another chance they will know how much they mean to me in every thing I do. Even though K is not here, today I started this new chapter of my life by cleaning up around yard. Tomorrow I will be replacing the fuel sending unit in her van. (that's the part that tells the needle on the dash how much gas you have) I will also start cleaning the inside of the house so she won't be coming home to a mess.

Remember, you are My Heart, My Soul, My Life, My Love.

T

The Rain..

It looks like it's going to rain again today. I love the rain. It makes the trees and grass look greener. It makes the flowers look brighter. It makes the earth look new. It's been raining here for a few days now and everything looks way it should. The way I imagine GOD envisioned the earth so long ago.

In her blog a few days ago, K said that she really wanted to have a garden. When she was younger her family grew most of their veggies and slaughtered and processed most of their meat products. When K gets home on Tuesday I am going to sit down with her and design and build a garden box big enough to grow any thing she wishes. Hell, I'll start hunting again. I'll bring home the meat, RA will bring home the fish, and we will all tend the garden.

Today starts the downhill part of K's trip. I hope she has has nice weather. I hope she has had no rain. You know, This week I have cried myself to sleep many times. Thinking about what might happen when she gets home has me worried beyond imagination. I broke down the other day in front of K's mom. The tears started flowing. Flowing like Rain.

Hey look! It's starting to rain again. Some times I hate the rain...

K, always remember, You are My Heart, My Soul, My Life, My Love.

T

As I slip deeper into the aybss...

1am-5am. Like clockwork. RA is still asleep. I hope he is having good dreams. I hope K, who I miss so very much, is having sweet dreams. As for me, I have been having a lot of nightmares both asleep and awake over the last few weeks.

Last week on her blog K said that sometimes she wish there were a reset button for her life. Well that got me thinking. There is a reset button for her life but I would have to be the one to push it. How many people would be better off if I were not here anymore. Now I'm not saying that I'm going out to kill myself today, I told K I would be here when she got home so she wouldn't have to end her vacation early, but what if Tuesday after she gets home I were to not be here anymore. Truly, who would miss me.

Lets look at the very short list below:

RA: He might miss me for a while but he is still young enough to bond to another male figure.

K: Might miss me for a week or two but she has had so many friends and family pass away that she gets over it an on with her life in a very short time.

Mommylady: Same as K. They are related after all. However she might miss me more than most.

Dad: His heart broke 3 years ago when my sister died. He has never been the same.

Mom: Her mind is so far gone at this point that she would forget before she put down that phone after being told I was gone.

J (the roommate): J and I have been friends for over 35 years. I'm sure he would miss me the most, but again he would get over it in a short time and get on with his life.

CM (the other guy): K says there is nothing between them. But she told me that she really wants to meet this guy and he is one of the reasons she wants a more open relationship. What am I suppose to think? Anyway, I am sure if given the chance he would be happy to help me in this project.

I know I could do it. I do not fear death. In fact some times I long for it. The only thing that has stopped me before is my luck. I have the worst luck and I'm afraid I will mess it up and spend the rest of my years in a hospital hooked up to a hundred machines. Such is life.


K, You said you wish you could love me the way that I love you? You say that you feel like you never do anything for me? You do more for me than you could ever imagine. When we are together you make me so happy. You make me proud to say that I married K and she she the most wonderful woman in the world. When god made heaven, he made it in your likeness.

When I fell in love with you, I feel for many different reasons. I fell in love with your mind and it has kept me on my toes. Some times when I'm with you I feel like Weird Al on Jeopardy. I fell in love with your heart. Lets face it, anyone who gives hugs to random trees and stuffed animals knows more love than I can ever hope to feel. I fell in love with your eyes. Eyes so deep and wonderful that sometimes when I look deep into your eyes I think that I can see the beginning of time it's self. I fell in love with your spirit. A spirit that knows no earthly bounds. I fell in love with your body. From the arch where your neck meets your shoulder. Your nose your chin, and those cheek bones that would make any supermodel green with envy. Your hands that can do the work of ten men but still hold me with so much love and compassion. Your blast furnace oven that keeps me warm on those cold nights. And your lips. Lips that have kissed me a thousand times and each one is more meaningful than the last.

What I am trying to say is, you say you wish you could love me as much as I love you, but you don't see yourself the way I see you. You don't see the love you give me in the every day things you do for me.

Remember, you are My Heart, My Soul, My Life, and My Love.

T

Welcome to my nightmare...

Went to bed at 1am and was up at 5. This has become a pattern over the last 2 months. Can't eat, can't sleep, so whats a poor soul to do?

Last night I spent some time talking to a friend of mine who's wife filed for divorce in March. He has done everything he could to fix his marriage and did this with her fighting him every step of the way. Last night they had their 5th session with the marriage consular. She didn't show up. So last night when he got home he told her that he was granting her the divorce. So in 30 days from today they will part ways. There were no kids so when this is final they don't even have to speak to each other ever again. 30 days. That's all it takes in Georgia. In 30 days a marriage of 26 years will end and 2 of my friends will part ways forever. How sad is that? He was the CTO of the same company that I was laid-off from in March. He also lost his job yesterday. Sorry, I forgot to add that I had lost my job in my first post.

So all off this got me thinking. 26 years and it's over in just 30 days. What chance do I have of saving my marriage. When K comes home next week from her trip, 8 1/2 years could be over in just 30 days. That would be her choice. She is away at a gathering/retreat somewhere in Mass.. She did not leave an emergency contact number or any other info about how to contact her this week. If something happens to RA, her mom, or myself this week, I have no way to get her a message. She did call yesterday to see if everything was OK, but I was fishing and she only called the house. I did talk to her but only after I called her. She said when she got to where she was going there would be no cell service.

Well time to wrap things up.

D: I'm am there for you brother. If you need anything you just pick-up the phone and call.

MommyLady: Always remember this, you have always been there for me and K. You have helped us through so much. Both good and bad. And for that I will always love you like my real mom. No matter what happens between your daughter and I, you will always be a very important person in my life.

K: No man has ever loved a woman as much as I love you. We have been through some tough times before and most of the time it's my fault. I know that some times I'm a pain in the ass. And some times I am just an ass.

Because I don't have contact info for you this week I will leave you this in hopes that one day you will find it. If something should happen to me while you are gone, always remember that my spirit will always be right there beside you. Whispering "I Love You" so softly that only your heart can hear it. You are My Heart, My Soul, My Life, and My Love.

The first fish is always the sweetest.

We just got back from My son's (he will now be called RA for this blog) first fishing trip. Today's score: RA=6 Fish=0 It's true. He caught 5 Bream and 1 Bluegill. (pictures to be posted soon) The score was almost 5-1 as the Bluegill, which was a good 2 hands longs, almost pulled the boy into the lake. Mom, you would have been so proud of both he and I. Hope you got the pictures.

I have to run. My boy is challenging me to golf on the Wii. He's only 6 but he beats the poo out of me every time we play.

Mom, Come home soon. The two boys you left here our missing you something awful.

Remember that you are my Heart, My Soul, My Life and My Love....

Four years ago I felt like the luckiest man on earth. I had a family that was not perfect but was perfect enough. I wife that was my life, my heart, and my soul. A son that had just turned 2 and was my BFF. A job that I had lucked into but could have worked there forever. A family who loved me and even in-laws that treated me like a son. But But in the spring on 2005 everything started to change.

In May of 2005 my sister ,for this blog I will call her V, was told she had Cancer. Type 2, Treatable. She died on July 4 2007. My mom slipped into a deep depression. Alcohol and sleeping pills seemed to do the trick for her. She hardly knows who I am anymore. Her short term memory is now shot and her long term memory was really never there. My mom and dad just celebrated their 55 anniversary.

That brings us up-to-date. Now, About 3 months ago my wife's best friend, who is married, met someone and at my wife's request she told her husband about this other guy. Her husband did what I guess is the normal thing to do in these times and told her "ok, lets have an open relationship". Well about 2 weeks ago my wife comes to me and says she is not getting what she needs from our marriage, 8 1/2 years, and wish we could have an open marriage like her friend. Well I just was not brought up that way. Last week while reading her blog, yes she knows I read her blog, I found out that there is someone that she met on her blog that she is now wanting to meet. She says his words feels some of the things that she is missing with me. In one of the post to her blog he told her that he is in love with her.

We had a big fight on Monday night and she left on Tuesday to go to Mass. to visit with friends. She is from that area. She left without us working anything out so now I must go until next Tuesday before I know if I will still have a home. We tried to go away from the house to talk but our 6 year old son who was in bed already over heard some of our fight. So now he is scared that "his daddy might have to go and live somewhere else.

I hope that my wife (I will call her K from now on) will make the choice that will bring her back to her family. She is a singer/songwriter and her music and her voice that until a few weeks ago filled my heart and soul now makes me cry.

Even though I doubt anyone will read this blog, I will keep this blog updated. Please pray for us.

K, if you ever find this post remember that you are my love , my life, my heart, and my soul. I will love you for all time and remember that "death cannot stop true love, all it can do is delay it for a while".