Giving up....

I am giving up. One month ago my divorce became legal. I can't live without my son, without her. I cry myself to sleep each night and I'm just tired of it. God I love her so much. I miss both of them more than they will ever know.....

A Rough Day...

I wrote a post today then deleted it because I had posted out of anger. When someone tells you to stop stalking someone and you didn't even know you were stalking them, It will kind of piss you off....

To the person I am told I am stalking.
Even though I haven't seen or talked to you in over a week, you don't have to worry anymore because these are the last word you will ever read or hear from me. Have a great life.

I'm Sorry...

Last night I sat up until 5am in the dark trying to figure out what went wrong between K and I. How could it have just ended after being together for 12 years.

At 4:30am it hit me. I thought that I had finally figured this whole thing out.

You see, about 5 years ago K told me that she needed to talk to me. The scariest 4 words you will ever hear. So we started to talk and she told me that she felt bad because she could not love me the way that I loved her. I heard this and then told her that it was going to be OK because I loved her enough for both of us. Life went on as normal.

About 3 years ago K told me this same thing as before. I again told her that I had enough love for both of us. Life went on again.

About a week before she told me she wanted this divorce, she told me the same thing again. I told her the same as before but this time she said that was not enough.

All of this time I was hearing K but I never understood what she was saying. Last night as I sat there in the dark, I finally understood her. All of this time my heart was filled with so much love, but her heart was an empty shell. She needed to feel the love that for so long I had felt for her.

K. I am truly sorry for not understanding what you were trying to tell me. Please forgive me for this and understand that because of you I am a better man. I do hope that some day you will feel for someone the love that I have felt for you for over a quarter of our lives.

I Love You,

Tony

Sorry for the delay....

On Tuesday, we filed our divorce paperwork and I'm still trying to take in how 12 years together can end at a courthouse in just 3 hours.

Memories Vol. 2 is coming soon.
Stay tuned...

See you in a few days,

Tony

Breaking the Vows..

There has been a lot of talk lately between K, Myself, and friends about when you are free to love another.

You see, K and I basically have they same view on this subject. I believe that when two people say their vows, they are not only saying these vows to each other, they are saying these vows to his or her god, goddess, or whatever being they pray too. So the question is, when does a marriage end? Three days after K asked me for a divorce, we took each others hands and said we were releasing each other from our vows. In my eye's our marriage ended at that moment. K feels the same way. My friends have a different view on this subject. Most believe that until the courts say that the marriage over you must still live by your vows. So does God or Goddess accept your vows when you first say them, but then wait until a judge rubber stamps the divorce papers, or does the All Mighty release you from those vows as soon as the two parties release each other.

I would love to hear a bunch of opinions on this subject.

Thanks for all of your support...

Tony

P.S. Yesterday as was told that I had won the Post of the Day. What is that and where do you find out that information.

Memories Vol. 1

It's funny how a smell or a song or even a place can bring back memories, both good and bad.

Today I went someplace that I had not been in 20 years. Near my house is a large lake and at this lake is a small beach. About 20 years ago I took a very special person to this small beach. It was late at night and we were the only two there. On that night I kissed M for the first time, on this beach under the moonlight. I felt the same way about her then as I do about K now. Today I took M and her son back to this beach and while they played in the water I just sat on a rock looking out into the vastness of the lake. Every now and then I would catch M looking at me from the water. While sitting there a flood of memories came rushing back to me. I saw the place where M and I had or first kiss and then I started thinking, "I wonder if trees have memories. If they do, do they remember us on this beach so long ago." After about 2 hours they got out of the water and we headed back to her apartment. She is cooking dinner now and later the 3 of us will watch some movies together. I still love K with all of my heart, but M has helped take some of the edge off of the pain...

Until next time,

Tony

The Government...

This morning K left the house to take care of a few things that needed to be done. Food... She went shopping at her favorite place. Publix. But she also went to our county courthouse to get the forms we needed to start the end of our marriage. The nice lady who gave her the trilogy of paper work told her "Don't worry, most of those 1000 pages are just instructions". Can you say Bullsh__! K spent 5 hours filling out paperwork. They wanted to know about everything that we ever had or did or ever thought of doing. I did help by staying out of her way. :^) Just kidding. I sat there and when she had a question that we needed to answer together I told her "what ever". We found out that in this state child support is based on a scale kind of like the tax charts we all use. So if someone made $3000 gross a month and their spouse made nothing then got the children, the money winner then would owe about $850 per child per month. Ouch.

Anyway we got everything basically done and on Monday we will go to the courthouse, spend money we don't have to spare, visit 30 different departments, then wait 30 days for a judge to say OK, have a great life, goodbye.

So today I ended my marriage and watched my soon to be ex-wife's head spin completely around 6 times before exploding. Wow, what a fun day.

Sorry, got to run. My ex-girlfriend is calling me to the table...

K. You will always be my Heart, my Soul, my Life, and my Love.
But most of all you will always be my friend...

T.

P.S. M. Thanks for all the help you gave me that has helped me look past this painful time of my life.

P.S.S. Thanks to all of my Blog comment posters. You all said the right things at the right time that helped keep me going even in my darkest hours. I love you all....

Strange Friends...

On Monday afternoon I asked my soon to be ex-wife to email a special friend of hers and tell him that I wanted him to call me. She looked puzzled and asked why. I told her that only wanted to talk to the person and that I would be nice. Later that evening he called and we started talking about life, love, and other things that most of us are afraid to talk about with complete strangers.

My wife and I have been having some issues for a while now and he just happened to be at the wrong place at the right time. Because of the relationship between my wife and this other man I found it very easy to blame him for our problems with my marriage. He was not here and could not defend himself so I vented a lot of anger at this man even though he had done nothing wrong. First I want to say how sorry I am for this. You did nothing wrong but my pain over my divorce turned into anger and I vented that anger towards you. K, took most of this anger head-on in your place. For this I want to say I sorry K. You did not deserve any of the anger that was directed towards you. I ask both of you to please forgive me for being an ass.

I wish the best for both of you.

K. I know that we will see each other for the rest of our life's. A child makes that necessary. But I hope that we can get passed the hurt and become friends again. I need you in my life in some form.

To my new friend. Thanks for the call and thanks for helping to ease my mind about some issues I had. Know matter what happens between you and K, I hope that you will think of me as a friend and that we can put behind us some of that angry things that was said by me.

Looking to the future,

Tony

I Release you, A Repost for a friend...

This is a repost of the first poem I wrote. This was posted about a month ago. This is for you, my new friend...


I Release You...


I release you...To find the happiness that I have known since the day I met you.

I release you...To find the love that rebuilds your.

I release you...To soar like the beautiful bird that is your soul.

I release you...To find that one thing that you couldn't find with me.

I release you...Because it's the right thing to do.

I release you...From the pain of the last 8 years.

I release you...From those vows we spoke when we were so much in love.

I release you...In hopes that you will find your way back to me.

I release you...But you will always be My Wittle Bunny.

I release you...Because I Love You.

I release you...Because I Love You...

K. I release you...


You are my Heart, my Soul, my Life, and my Love.

T.

Tom...

For those of you who don't know me, I am a racing Corner Marshal. When things go really bad at a race track we are the ones who you see running across the race track while cars are still going real fast. No not NASCAR. Road Racing. We are the ones that go to the accident help the drivers and clean up any mess that they have left on our track. Sometimes that means standing in the middle of a race track while cars go by you on ether side at well over 100 mph. Sometimes closer to 200.

Because the driver depend on us for help, BTW we also show the flags that let the drivers know whats going on around the track, drivers and marshals can get very close. The racing family in general are a very tight group.

Well today I found out that a driver that I have known for a few years was killed Saturday morning in a racing accident at Road America. I can't remember the first time I met Tom Thrash. I'm sure it was when we were pulling him from a gravel trap or his car had a problem and pulled off rack at my station. But over the last few years I had run into Tom in the paddock or at my station a few more times. He always had time to say Hi or thanks for all the hard work. (we stand out there for hours in the hottest of summers and the coldest of winters for free)

Tom, if I drank I would have a tall one for you. You were truly a gentleman driver in every since of the word. Here's to you Tom. You will be morned by many and missed by many more...

RIP...

Because life is so fragile here is a few messages for you.

To K:
I will love you for all times. Even if you can't love me...

To B: (my son)
I will also love you for all times. You will always be my heart...

To All the readers of this post.
I love you all. Through all the pain. You guy's have never gave up on me. You have helped me more that you will ever know. Thank You All...

K, you are my Heart, my Soul, my Life, and my Love,
But most of all you are my friend...

Tony

Please Lord Take Me Now...

I'm ready for this life to be over....

The Hardest Part...

How do you say goodbye when your heart won't let go.

Why is it when you lose someone close to you people always say, "You will get over it", or "The Pain will go away". Trust me, you don't and it doesn't. I lost Gina to a drunk driver in 1988. A day doesn't go by where I don't think about her. I lost my sister to Cancer in 2006. I think about her all of the time. And now there is K. I lost her last month and all I can do is think about her. I see her in my dreams and in my nightmares. I hear her voice when she is not even here. I smell her scent when she is a thousand miles away. And each time these things happen the hurt is that much stronger. The pain is that more intense. It's hard to say goodbye when someone that holds that much of your heart passes, be it in body or spirit.

So how do you say goodbye when your heart won't let go?
You don't. You say I Love You because they will always be right there with you...

Gina,
I love you and I miss you so much. Thank you for always being there.

Vickie,
I love you and I miss you so much. Thank you for being my big sister and always helping me through the tough times.

K,
I love you and I miss you so much. Thank you for all the beautiful moments you gave me. From the first time you said yes to a date with me, the day you said "I Do", and the day our son was born. To the last time you said you loved me and gave me a last kiss. Thank you for those and the million other smiles in between. I only hope that one day I can look pass the pain and focus on the good times.

K, you are my Heart, my Soul, my Life and my Love.
But most of all, you are my friend.

I will love you for all times.

T.

A Brave New World...

When K's mom comes over to the house now, it kind of puts me in a bind. You see, for the last three weeks I have been living in the mother-in-law suite of the castle de crazy. so when she comes over I have to find I place to sleep. Well K and her mother have been planing a trip to Ohio from months now and anytime they go somewhere MIL comes down a day or two early so they can leave at oh God thirty in the morning.

That brings us to where I am right now. Sitting in front of a computer in an old girlfriends apartment after a long night of talking and watching movies.

The older readers will remember me talking about M. I was so much in love with M about 20 years ago and then we had a very nasty break-up. We parted ways and for the next 17 years we didn't talk. Hell we didn't even know if the other was still alive. But anyway, just a few days after K told me she wanted a divorce M and I found each other on Classmate.com. I had been looking for her for some time. I really missed our friendship. So last week she and I picked a very public place and we met for lunch. Let me get back to the original idea behind this post. You can read all of this in one of my more resent post.

On Monday while I was thinking about where I was going to sleep for a day or two, M asked if I wanted to come over and crash at her place. I told her I would let her know and started to help K get ready for their trip. Yesterday my MIL came to the house to get ready for a Friday escape. So while taking a nap on the library floor, I realized that I had to find somewhere for the night. It was about that time that M called and asked if I was still coming over for a visit. I told her yes but it was about this same time that K and MIL said that they were going to leave in a few minutes. So at this point I no longer needed a place to stay. Within just a few minutes I kissed RA goodbye, told K and MIL that I loved them, and watched them drive away. I had already told M that I would come over so I got a shower and called to let her know I was on my way. She asked if I had eaten dinner and I offered to pick something up for us. BTW the new KFC grilled chicken is good. So we ate dinner, talked, worked on some of her projects, and watched movies until 4am. She asked me if I still wanted to stay the night and being that it was already 4am I said yes. I slept on the couch while she slept on her bed and her son slept in his bed. Like one big happy family. That was a joke. It was nice to be somewhere without the stress that I have felt at home for the last few weeks. It was nice to be able to get some quality sleep for a change.

So that's how I ended up sleeping in the apartment of my ex-girlfriend. I could go into more juicy details, but there's just not any....


K, you are my Heart, my Soul, my Life, and my Love.
But most of all you are my friend.

I Love You.

T.

Lets Hurt Even More...

A few days ago I wrote a post that my wife K took the wrong way. She commented on this post which you can read. After explaining what I meant in the post, I posted a personal apology to K and to anyone who saw that post and might have taken it the wrong way.

Yesterday K and I were talking about different things and getting ready to go to the bank and take care of some of the divorce paperwork, when I said that before this new guy came to stay with our son I wanted to know more about him. I had been told nothing about him other than a name he uses on a computer. (not his real name) At this time K got very mad and said I only wanted this information so I could run background checks on this mystery man. I reminded her that someone very close to her had said I should run a background check and that I had told them NO, I didn't want K to think I was spying on her. She continued to say that I didn't trust her and I was spying on her and him. I told her I wanted to run his name through the National Sex Crime Database just to make sure my son was safe. This just made her more upset. I guess wanting to know about the people that might become a major part of my son's life makes me a bad person. Anyway about this time our son was being ask to get pants on for the 5th time. Because of the fight K and I were having at the time I got upset with him and told him I was going to get his pants and he was in big trouble. As I got close to the dryer my son threw something at my back out of anger. This really set me off so I just left the house. Just started walking away. I walked at 5 miles down the road before calling K and letting her know where I was. She did come pick me up and my son said he was sorry.

So yesterday K writes a post to her blog talking about how She shouldn't go on a trip that she is leave for on Friday. Shes afraid that I will do something to the house or steal everything or something. Chaos is how she put it. So just as she had done, I posted a comment on her post. She then took took down the comments on that post. Maybe I was wrong in wanting to know more about this guy before he met my son. If so then I am at fault in this. If not, then this is my only way to tell my side of this story.

K, you are my Heart, my Soul, my Life, and my Love.
But most of all you are my Friend.

I Do Love You...

T.

Reading it Wrong...

I posted yesterday about the way i have felt the last 3 weeks. In this post I said some things that may have sounded like I was attacking K. I did not mean for this to be the case. K is a wonderful Mother and our son is the single most important thing in her life. K, if this came across in any other way I want to apologize. This was not my intention. I also want to apologize to anyone else that might have taken my words as an attack on K.

The post was to show how I feel like a second class citizen in my own house. It was not meant for any other reason. From now on I will try to be more careful with my words.

K, you are my Heart, my Soul, my Life, and my Love.
But most most of all you are my Friend.

I Love You.

T.

The Slow Death of Love...

What do we do about RA? Who gets the tv? What about the wedding pictures?

K has moved pass the getting upset about all of this. She has never shown any weakness during this divorce. I didn't know that life could hurt so bad, and it doesn't help that she puts on this I don't care attitude. I don't have anywhere to go, so my mother told me to come down and stay with her. She is 76 years old and isn't able to do much for herself anymore. Last month there would have been no way that K would have let me move back with my mom. She even said that if something happened between us, she would not let me move out until I had a place away from my mom's house. My how things have change. Last night she told me she really needed me out of the house asap. When I told her ok she asked where I was going. I told her that right now my mom's is the only place I have to go. I told her that I am working on another place but it might be 30 days before I could move in. She told me as long as it was not permanent, that I should go live at my mom's. What could have changed her mind about me so quickly.

About 30 days ago everything in the W house was going great. We went to movies together, played with our son, and did all the things a normal family would do. We were even looking at new matching titanium wedding rings. She met met someone at the track who had one and she started looking into styles and prices. She was emailing me web sites and pictures. Well I guess I don't have to worry about the rings I was giving you for our 9 th wedding anniversary. Anyway, about 30 days ago she started an online friendship with him. She says he is in Houston but his phone # is located in Austin. But that's nether here nor there. In the last 30 days their friendship has turned into a relationship. If that's what it takes to make K happy, then I'm happy for her. All I want is for the love of my life to be happy. So in 30 days I went from someone she loved enough to want to get new wedding rings with to a roommate that he wants out of the house today.

So when she got home last night after being gone all weekend with her friend K2. (They were doing some work) I asked her to sit down with me to talk about a few details about the upcoming divorce. We talking about the splitting of the assets and most importantly how we would handle our son's well being. I thought that we had decided that RA would stay with his mom and I would have always be able to see his son whenever I chose. But this time when the subject was brought up she said a friend had told her that the courts would have to decide how RA would be handled. She said she was also told the courts would have to decide how much child support payments would be. Anyway in the middle of this important talk her cell phone rang. It was him. You could tell by the way the tone in her voice changed when she picked up the phone. In that one second we went from a serious talk about our son's future to her talking to him. Seems like the last two weeks anytime her and I need to talk about the future he calls and I am sent to my room. Not once has she told him "Can I call you back. I'm in the middle of something important". He is a big reason for her wanting me out of the house so fast. She told me she would not feel right having him or any other man come to stay with her while I'm still here.

K, I know that he is now a very important part of your but RA and I both still need you in our lives.

You are my Heart, my Soul, my Life, and my Love.
But most of all you are my Friend.

I Love You.

T.

Long time ago...

How do you say thank you to someone who for the last 20+ years has always found a way to show up in my life just when things look the darkest. CW was my first true love. The kind that you spend the rest of your life thinking of what might have been. I have had 5 of those relationships but she was the first. I met CW at a movie. She was with another guy so I asked him if they were dating. He said no so I asked her out on a date. She was and still is so beautiful and always said just the right things when I needed her the most. We spent about 2 years together and I loved every minute of it. We made love everywhere you could think of and some places that you might not. At this time I was unwilling to let go of a part of my life that kept us apart on most Fridays and Saturdays. Looking back I think of how stupid I was during those time. She got tired of waiting for me and one day she left.

Many years later she found me on AOL and we started a new online friendship. For a few years we would email each other from time to time, then one day she told me that she was moving to OK. The next day her email was shut off and she was gone again.

CW was the first friend I looked for and found on Facebook. She is now married and living over seas. We chat from time to time and I have told her how much I have missed her. I hope that in the future she does not leave me high and dry again.

CW, GR, JM, MN, and now K, I want to thank each of you for the love, the magic, and the true feeling of togetherness that I have felt with each one of you. You have all touched my life in different ways and all but GR left me for better things. GR, I still miss you so much. When that drunk driver took you from me, I thought that I would never find that kind of love again. K took the last picture I had of you and had it mounted and framed to hang in our home. Thats how much love K had for me.

CW, Thanks for the Love and Friendship. You were the one that held me together in the first days of this divorce. There were times that I wanted to end it all, but you were there to let me know that I was still needed. For that I owe you my life. Thanks for all you do...

K, you are my Heart, my Soul, my Life, and my Love.
But most of all you are my Friend.

I Love You...

T.

Old Friends...

K is and always will be he greatest love of my life. I can't seem to shake the fact that she's gone. A hurt so deep that I thought I would never talk to another human. Then something strange happened.

In a resent post I told the story about my friend M. M and I dated from 1990 to 1993. When it ended there was a lot of hurt. Hurt I thought I would never get over. We didn't talk for 17 years. Not a word. Then K told me she wanted this divorce. 3 days later M found me on Classmates and we met for lunch. We ate lunch and caught up on the last 17 years. She was married and had a son then got divorced about 10 years ago. M and I have talked a lot over the last three days and it has helped me understand that sometimes people grow apart. Thank you M for all the support over the last few days. You have really helped me keep my heart on the prize. No matter what happens between K and I you will always be my friend.

K. You will always be my greatest love and I will always be here for you.
You are my Heart, my Soul, my Life, and my Love.
But most of all you are my friend.

I Love You.

T.

The Vows...

She wrote or vows. Beautiful words that made me cry right there in front of God and everybody. Not we have parted and those words feel empty. I understand that she doesn't want to be my wife anymore. I understand that she needs me out of the house as soon as possible, to help her with her healing. I will do my best to be out quickly. To give her the complete freedom she so needs. We will still see each other when I come to pick up our son. And now that she is part of my clan, she is part of the W family for life. She will be invited to all holidays and family functions. You didn't know that once your in the "Family" there is no way out. So K, you will always be my one true love and I will always be waiting in case you want to come back home.

I spent yesterday talking to two old friends that I lost touch with almost 20 years ago. K knows of these two ladies and understands my past with them. The first one I will call M. M and I dated for 3 years starting in 1990. We found each other on Classmates.com and been talking off and on for a few days now. I had lunch with M and her son yesterday. We talked about old times and what is happening now in my life. She said she would pray for K and I. Thats sweet. M and my relationship ended very bad. There was a lot of hurt and anger when we spilt so I didn't know how I would feel about seeing her for lunch. It ended up being a very calming day. We sat and talked for about 5 hours. In the end I realized that although we had parted in the worst of ways, we had moved past that part in our lifes. We had grown past the pain. Thank you M for helping me realize that over time I will move on past the pain.

My second friend is J. J and I just lost touch about 17 years ago. She just up and left without warning. I found her on Facebook two days ago. We have talked about the past and K. She then told me why she had ran away 17 years ago. She told me that her daughter was likely mine. A 19 year old that has never knew her father. I knew her when she was 2. I was there when she was born. She might not be mine. But I wouldn't mind at all. So last night at about 10pm J called me to let me know that her soon to be ex had beaten her but he was told he had to leave the house for the night. I told K about this and she said I should go and get her out of the house. K even said if she needed a place to stay for the night I should bring her back to the house. I went to pick J up and take her to her mothers house but we ended up driving around for a while. Just talking, letting her clear her head. She even called K on the phone to thank her for letting me go pick her up. After we got to her mom's house she invited me in to talk. The door opened and there stood J's daughter. After we talked for some time I asked her daughter if she wanted to know if I was really her dad. She said no. I understand. She grew up knowing someone else as her dad and we agreed that it would be better for everyone if things remained the same. K knows about her and thought it would be great if she were my daughter. K is so understanding. Thats one of the thousands of reasons that I love her more than life itself. J, daughter and I talked until 4 am then I headed home. J, thank you for being there to talk to me about my problems even though you were going through a lot of crap of your own last night. And K, thank you for just being there.

K. You will always be my Heart, my Soul, my Life, and my Love.
But most of all you will always be my Friend.

I Love You.

T.

P.S. In a week or two....

Today I Died...

I was that one. The one that pushed to hard. I tried to explain that I was not trying to hurt her. She could not believe those words. Thinking that I was only trying to restart a love that she let go of long ago. She says she must let me go to keep from hurting me. She does not realize that last night when she told me to find another place to live, she did not hurt me, she killed me. She didn't mean too. I forgive her. I will not bother her again. I will miss her and suffer in silence. My heart to hurt forever. Forever without my Wife. Forever without my Son.

Last night I started to die. I will die a little each day. I have made a cry for help. A cry that will never be heard.

K. You will always be my Heart, my Soul, my Life, and my Love.
But most of all you will always be my friend.

I Love You.

T.

???

Today K told me she wants a divorce and wants me out of the house.

Enough said.....

K. You will always be my Heart, my Soul, my life, and my Love.
But most of all you will always be my friend.

T.

Gone...

She's gone. But she still lives in my heart.
Locked away forever. She will never gain release.
Her body,her soul. leaving without warning.
But her memory. forever in my heart.

She's gone. But she still lives in my soul.
A soul torn apart, not by her.
But by another. He mocks me at every turn.
Knowing to well he is breaking up a family.

She's gone. But she still lives in my life.
A home divided but still as one.
It is not the house of love that we once shared.
But it is still our home. A home to 3.

She's gone. But she still lives in my Love.
A love that knows no bounds. No Time frame.
A love that looks at us through 6 year old blue eyes.
A love that I hope to see in her again.

K. When I look into his eyes I see a love that just a few years ago was so strong that it could endure any problems. I see a love that is worth fighting for.

K. When I look into his eyes, I see YOU.

You are my heart, my Soul, my Life, and my Love.
But most of all you are my friend...

I Love you for all times,

T.

Moving On...

You must move on. Wow. If I had a dime for every time I have heard that over the last week I would be a rich man.

K and I used to love to work at the race track. Corner Marshal, Corner Worker, Track Safety. There were many different names for what we did but the all meant the same. Having fun. Well we have a race this weekend and at the advise of many friends, I told the powers that be that I would be there. The speed, the drivers, standing next to a race track where only a very small wall keeps you safe from the cars. Everyone thought that it would be good for me to get out and play at the track.

Drivers and workers are a very tight family. We try to protect each other when ever we can. And that's where my problems began yesterday. At the morning briefing everyone asked the 2 questions they always ask. "How is RA? (the son) He's ok. How is K? I don't know. Twenty plus times yesterday I heard the same question. How is K? My sorrow grew heavier each time I was asked, but hen came the really hard part. Driving around the track. I place that had made K and I so happy a few months ago, now seemed like a death march. Much doom and gloom. Every where I looked I was reminded of her. Of us. I would tell myself, Hey that's where K and I used to camp. That's where I took the pictures of her and RA with Patrick Dempsey. That's where she broke her ankle. That's where I blew out my knee. (we were working together at the time and it was K that had to rescue me) Then I passed the field. Right after K got her new van, we drove up to the track and slept in her new van. We drove around the track for about an hour looking for the perfect place to park. After we stopped we climbed into the back and made love in her new van. We then just fell asleep holding each other. God we were so happy together. Yesterday the joy of being at the track left my heart. I wanted so bad to just pack up and run from that place as fast as I could. I do not love being at the track anymore. I loathe it. So much for moving on...

I died a little more yesterday... Please K, help me! Please anybody!!!

K. You are my Heart, my Soul, my Life, and my Love.
But most of all you are my Friend.

T.

Sorry...

Heart is breaking. Don't have much to say tonight. I will be tomorrow.

K. You are my Heart, my Soul, my Life and my Love.

T.

Death by Brain...

K. This post is in no way a poke at you or him or anybody else.

Went to bed at 11 pm thinking about her. Woke up at 2 am thinking about her. This has been my sleeping pattern over the last 2 weeks. I can't eat. The thought of food makes me ill. I've lost 12 lbs. over the last week. Why is it that I morn the loss of K that much. Is my heart, my mind not letting me eat to punish me for all the wrongs that I have done to her? Could my body be trying to commit suicide by starvation and me not even know it?

I woke o this morning and lay there wondering what she was doing. She last blogged at 1 am, so see is ether asleep or on the phone with him. She and he both follow a lot of the same blogs. They met through a blog of a really good friend of K's. She loves him and he says he loves her. she says that she is going to meet him. If this is true, then we might have a problem Houston. You see, I told K that I would never try to take our son away from her. That was always a big worry for her. Because of the life path she follows she thinks I would stand up in front of a judge and use that against her. I would never do this, but if this is the love say says it is, then her running off to Texas to be with this man causes an issue. I will not let her take my son half way cross country to live. She will not take my son from me.

I have been handling a lot of questions from a 6 year old little boy over the last few weeks. But Thursday he asked me a question that a thought might better be answered by K. He asked me "Daddy, if you move into a new house will mommy let a new daddy move in here?" OUCH... So yesterday we were sitting on the floor playing a game and I told him to ask his mommy that question. K said "Maybe, we will have to see." I thought to myself, "Wow, I didn't know you could replace a daddy that easily. " Now don't get me wrong here. I am sure she didn't hear the question the way it was asked, but now I had to tell mt son that I was his daddy for all time. Even if I'm not living with him. I told him mommy may have new friends that move in to the house, but I was his daddy. Then K explained to him that I would always be his daddy.

I need to let be running along. I have to be up in a few hours to go Chase Race Cars and Rescue Drivers. Or it the other way around. I never can remember.

Until next time.

K. You are my Heart, my Soul, my Life, and my Love.
But most of all, you are my Friend.

I love you.

T.

PAIN...

I see the pain. The hurt that is tearing at her heart. The anger that only one that has been hurt, truly hurt, can feel.

I watched her sleep last night. It was a dark night. Darker than most. The lightning from a passing storm flashed across her face. In that moment I saw a smile. It's been a rare site to see her smile. She was having a dream. I knew it was not about me. She doesn't smile for me anymore. In that moment she was out of the pain. The pain that I started in her many years ago. In that moment she was happy. A hope that her happiness last longer than one fleeting moment in the dark.

I told her last night that I was not going to let her hurt me anymore. I didn't mean it in a bad way. I told her that I would always love her, that means I will always be in pain. I told her that I was letting go of the anger. I was giving her the freedom to love without having to worry about my striking out at her. Hoping to take away some of the pain...

K, you are my Heart, my Soul, my Life, and my Love.

But most of all, you are my Friend.

T.

I Release You...

I release you...
To find the happiness that I have known since the day I met you.

I release you...
To find the love that rebuilds your.

I release you...
To soar like the beautiful bird that is your soul.

I release you...
To find that one thing that you couldn't find with me.

I release you...
Because it's the right thing to do.

I release you...
From the pain of the last 8 years.

I release you...
From those vows we spoke when we were so much in love.

I release you...
In hopes that you will find your way back to me.

I release you...
But you will always be My Wittle Bunny.

I release you...
Because I Love You.

I release you...
Because I Love You...



K. I release you...

You are my Heart, my Soul, my Life, and my Love.

T.

The Kiss...

My heart lay broken. Pieces to small to hope to put together again. When she said those words yesterday, it felt like the weight of the world had just crashed down on me. When she left for her trip last week the last thing she did before leaving was to give me a kiss. I didn't know it would be the last kiss.

It's only been a week be I already miss so much. I miss the feel of her skin. It's soft like a new baby. I miss her smile. A smile that made me smile even in my darkest times. I miss her eyes. The first time I really saw the moon the way that she sees it was in the reflection of her eyes. I miss her touch. A touch that can tame the most angry of beast. And I miss her kiss. The kiss that said I love you, even if she says she doesn't feel it anymore. A kiss that always said that everything would be alright. A kiss so simple that it was like a fawn. So sweet and tender, but never there long enough. God will I miss her kiss...

K. Remember, you are My Heart, My Soul, My life, and My Love.

T.

My last post???

Well we have reached the end of the road. K came home tonight and without being able to say my piece, she told me she didn't want to be married to me any more. I have to say that I'm kind of numb right now. I am lost. I don't know what to do. I have now lost everything. My car, my job, my home, and the most important thing to me in the world, my wife. Don't get me wrong, I love our son but she was the ying to my yang. I wish that we could just sit down and talk, but she has made up her mind.

Tonight I lost my faith in GOD. I just can't see how someone as loving as God could torture a man as much as I have been tortured. How could he sit back and let this many bad things happen to one person.

This is my last post. I am closing up my laptop, putting it into it's bag, and will not be back.

Remember that you are My Heart, My Soul, My Life, My love.

Goodbye.

8 1/2 years...

I want her to give me the chance to grow with her. Not just in age but in spirit. We talked last night when she stopped on her trip home. She said she did not want to talk about our future on the phone or on the computer. I can respect her for that. She refused to say I love you. That was my first clue that the end is near. Some of her answers were cryptic. Tonight a marriage of 8 1/2 years will come to an end because of my stupidity. I hope that tomorrow I can write you here and tell you I was wrong.

Last night I let my son sleep in the bed with me. I was thinking it might be the last time I get to do that. Isn't it funny how younglings know there is a problem without being told. He looked at me last night and said "Daddy, I think there is a 1% chance that mommy will ask you to live in another house." Then about 10 minutes later he revised that figure to 55%. Kids know. He said he was very sad. I told him that even if I move to another house, it doesn't mean that mommy and daddy don't love him just as much as before.

K.Remember, you are My Heart, My Soul, My Life, My Love.

T

P.S. Please give the chance to grow with you...

The Call...

K called me last to let me know that they were on the road and would be home sometime today. I asked her if there were any chance for us, but she would not answer. She looked at this blog last night and now thinks that she is the cause of this pain. Not True! I have done this to myself. But I am also ready to do what it takes to keep her snuggled up next to me at night. In 16 hours I will know my fate. I can only pray that my fate and hers follow the same path.

K. Don't worry about me hurting myself. If you have seen the true meaning behind this blog, you will know that I have already done that.

Remember, you are My Heart, My Soul, My Life, My Love.

T

Goodbye....

7 days. Not one view. Think I'm going to close down this blog. People don't care to read about someone who is on the edge of eternity. I leave you with the lyrics to a song that beat describe how I feel. Thanks to Pink Floyd for the use of their lyrics.

Goodbye cruel world, I'm leaving you today. Goodbye,Goodbye,Goodbye. Goodbye, all you people, There's nothing you can say to make me change my mind.Goodbye.

48 hours...

The next 48 hours will be the longest of my life. K and her best friend K2 will be spending the next 48 hours driving back from Mass. It's not the fact that she is driving home from so far away that troubles me. It's that until she gets home, unloads, and relaxes I will not know what my future might bring. I want to be a better man but will she let me. I spent last night cleaning and packing some stuff up. Stuff I don't use anymore and won't miss being gone. She should be happy about being able to get into the closet again.


Today is the day of the year that we set aside to remember those who gave all so the we could write are little blogs, Say what we wish about the country and it's leaders. And walk down the street without worry of the goverment stopping us to see if we are who we say we are. I think it's very sad that we set aside one day to do this. We should remember these men and women every morning when we wake up and every night before our heads touch the pillow. But there is also another group we should remember. The Husbands and Wives, Mothers and Fathers, Sisters and Brothers, and the children of these patriots who gave so much for our country. So if you see one of the brave men or women who stand on that wall and protect you from the bad guys, walk up and say thank you. Remember, even if you don't believe in their politics, they are the ones giving you that right to complain.

RIP: Benjamin Fuller, 6:22am, 23 October, 1983. Marine Barricks, Beirut, Lebanon. My Friend, Thank You. You are missed.

K. Remember, you are My Heart, My Soul, My Life, My Love.

T

End...

Piratedred tried to be a good man. It wasn't until the end that he discovered that it was him. He was the one that created all of the problems that brought him to his final day. He lived a full life, but had very few friends. He was alone on his last day. He had no bucket list because he spent his whole life doing what he wanted. He never thought about others feelings. Skydiving, driving race cars, mountain climbing, whitewater rafting, and flying in a stunt plane are only a few of the many things he had done before the end. But with all of this he was only scared 2 times in his life. The day she said "I Do" and the first time he looked into the eyes of their son. It was those 2 days that he realized there was someone else that depended on him for love, support, and a shoulder to cry on. Funny how in the end it was him that needed saving.

So here we are today. Writing an epitaph that will never be seen. For a person who will never be missed. He was a bad husband, a bad father, and a bad friend. No one showed for the service. For a man who loved life so deeply, he had very little to show for it in the end.

How do you say goodbye to someone that was despised. You say "Good Riddance".

And so it ends.....

K, Remember, you are My Heart, My Soul, My Life, My Love.

T

Words...

I can't speak in Poems. I have been told that words can make all the difference. Words can make you fall in love. The lack of words can drive away those who were once so much in love. I wish I could express my self better. Tell those who I love just how much they mean. What I have learned over the last week is that I say "I love you" often, but I don't show it enough. If given another chance they will know how much they mean to me in every thing I do. Even though K is not here, today I started this new chapter of my life by cleaning up around yard. Tomorrow I will be replacing the fuel sending unit in her van. (that's the part that tells the needle on the dash how much gas you have) I will also start cleaning the inside of the house so she won't be coming home to a mess.

Remember, you are My Heart, My Soul, My Life, My Love.

T

The Rain..

It looks like it's going to rain again today. I love the rain. It makes the trees and grass look greener. It makes the flowers look brighter. It makes the earth look new. It's been raining here for a few days now and everything looks way it should. The way I imagine GOD envisioned the earth so long ago.

In her blog a few days ago, K said that she really wanted to have a garden. When she was younger her family grew most of their veggies and slaughtered and processed most of their meat products. When K gets home on Tuesday I am going to sit down with her and design and build a garden box big enough to grow any thing she wishes. Hell, I'll start hunting again. I'll bring home the meat, RA will bring home the fish, and we will all tend the garden.

Today starts the downhill part of K's trip. I hope she has has nice weather. I hope she has had no rain. You know, This week I have cried myself to sleep many times. Thinking about what might happen when she gets home has me worried beyond imagination. I broke down the other day in front of K's mom. The tears started flowing. Flowing like Rain.

Hey look! It's starting to rain again. Some times I hate the rain...

K, always remember, You are My Heart, My Soul, My Life, My Love.

T

As I slip deeper into the aybss...

1am-5am. Like clockwork. RA is still asleep. I hope he is having good dreams. I hope K, who I miss so very much, is having sweet dreams. As for me, I have been having a lot of nightmares both asleep and awake over the last few weeks.

Last week on her blog K said that sometimes she wish there were a reset button for her life. Well that got me thinking. There is a reset button for her life but I would have to be the one to push it. How many people would be better off if I were not here anymore. Now I'm not saying that I'm going out to kill myself today, I told K I would be here when she got home so she wouldn't have to end her vacation early, but what if Tuesday after she gets home I were to not be here anymore. Truly, who would miss me.

Lets look at the very short list below:

RA: He might miss me for a while but he is still young enough to bond to another male figure.

K: Might miss me for a week or two but she has had so many friends and family pass away that she gets over it an on with her life in a very short time.

Mommylady: Same as K. They are related after all. However she might miss me more than most.

Dad: His heart broke 3 years ago when my sister died. He has never been the same.

Mom: Her mind is so far gone at this point that she would forget before she put down that phone after being told I was gone.

J (the roommate): J and I have been friends for over 35 years. I'm sure he would miss me the most, but again he would get over it in a short time and get on with his life.

CM (the other guy): K says there is nothing between them. But she told me that she really wants to meet this guy and he is one of the reasons she wants a more open relationship. What am I suppose to think? Anyway, I am sure if given the chance he would be happy to help me in this project.

I know I could do it. I do not fear death. In fact some times I long for it. The only thing that has stopped me before is my luck. I have the worst luck and I'm afraid I will mess it up and spend the rest of my years in a hospital hooked up to a hundred machines. Such is life.


K, You said you wish you could love me the way that I love you? You say that you feel like you never do anything for me? You do more for me than you could ever imagine. When we are together you make me so happy. You make me proud to say that I married K and she she the most wonderful woman in the world. When god made heaven, he made it in your likeness.

When I fell in love with you, I feel for many different reasons. I fell in love with your mind and it has kept me on my toes. Some times when I'm with you I feel like Weird Al on Jeopardy. I fell in love with your heart. Lets face it, anyone who gives hugs to random trees and stuffed animals knows more love than I can ever hope to feel. I fell in love with your eyes. Eyes so deep and wonderful that sometimes when I look deep into your eyes I think that I can see the beginning of time it's self. I fell in love with your spirit. A spirit that knows no earthly bounds. I fell in love with your body. From the arch where your neck meets your shoulder. Your nose your chin, and those cheek bones that would make any supermodel green with envy. Your hands that can do the work of ten men but still hold me with so much love and compassion. Your blast furnace oven that keeps me warm on those cold nights. And your lips. Lips that have kissed me a thousand times and each one is more meaningful than the last.

What I am trying to say is, you say you wish you could love me as much as I love you, but you don't see yourself the way I see you. You don't see the love you give me in the every day things you do for me.

Remember, you are My Heart, My Soul, My Life, and My Love.

T

Welcome to my nightmare...

Went to bed at 1am and was up at 5. This has become a pattern over the last 2 months. Can't eat, can't sleep, so whats a poor soul to do?

Last night I spent some time talking to a friend of mine who's wife filed for divorce in March. He has done everything he could to fix his marriage and did this with her fighting him every step of the way. Last night they had their 5th session with the marriage consular. She didn't show up. So last night when he got home he told her that he was granting her the divorce. So in 30 days from today they will part ways. There were no kids so when this is final they don't even have to speak to each other ever again. 30 days. That's all it takes in Georgia. In 30 days a marriage of 26 years will end and 2 of my friends will part ways forever. How sad is that? He was the CTO of the same company that I was laid-off from in March. He also lost his job yesterday. Sorry, I forgot to add that I had lost my job in my first post.

So all off this got me thinking. 26 years and it's over in just 30 days. What chance do I have of saving my marriage. When K comes home next week from her trip, 8 1/2 years could be over in just 30 days. That would be her choice. She is away at a gathering/retreat somewhere in Mass.. She did not leave an emergency contact number or any other info about how to contact her this week. If something happens to RA, her mom, or myself this week, I have no way to get her a message. She did call yesterday to see if everything was OK, but I was fishing and she only called the house. I did talk to her but only after I called her. She said when she got to where she was going there would be no cell service.

Well time to wrap things up.

D: I'm am there for you brother. If you need anything you just pick-up the phone and call.

MommyLady: Always remember this, you have always been there for me and K. You have helped us through so much. Both good and bad. And for that I will always love you like my real mom. No matter what happens between your daughter and I, you will always be a very important person in my life.

K: No man has ever loved a woman as much as I love you. We have been through some tough times before and most of the time it's my fault. I know that some times I'm a pain in the ass. And some times I am just an ass.

Because I don't have contact info for you this week I will leave you this in hopes that one day you will find it. If something should happen to me while you are gone, always remember that my spirit will always be right there beside you. Whispering "I Love You" so softly that only your heart can hear it. You are My Heart, My Soul, My Life, and My Love.

The first fish is always the sweetest.

We just got back from My son's (he will now be called RA for this blog) first fishing trip. Today's score: RA=6 Fish=0 It's true. He caught 5 Bream and 1 Bluegill. (pictures to be posted soon) The score was almost 5-1 as the Bluegill, which was a good 2 hands longs, almost pulled the boy into the lake. Mom, you would have been so proud of both he and I. Hope you got the pictures.

I have to run. My boy is challenging me to golf on the Wii. He's only 6 but he beats the poo out of me every time we play.

Mom, Come home soon. The two boys you left here our missing you something awful.

Remember that you are my Heart, My Soul, My Life and My Love....

Four years ago I felt like the luckiest man on earth. I had a family that was not perfect but was perfect enough. I wife that was my life, my heart, and my soul. A son that had just turned 2 and was my BFF. A job that I had lucked into but could have worked there forever. A family who loved me and even in-laws that treated me like a son. But But in the spring on 2005 everything started to change.

In May of 2005 my sister ,for this blog I will call her V, was told she had Cancer. Type 2, Treatable. She died on July 4 2007. My mom slipped into a deep depression. Alcohol and sleeping pills seemed to do the trick for her. She hardly knows who I am anymore. Her short term memory is now shot and her long term memory was really never there. My mom and dad just celebrated their 55 anniversary.

That brings us up-to-date. Now, About 3 months ago my wife's best friend, who is married, met someone and at my wife's request she told her husband about this other guy. Her husband did what I guess is the normal thing to do in these times and told her "ok, lets have an open relationship". Well about 2 weeks ago my wife comes to me and says she is not getting what she needs from our marriage, 8 1/2 years, and wish we could have an open marriage like her friend. Well I just was not brought up that way. Last week while reading her blog, yes she knows I read her blog, I found out that there is someone that she met on her blog that she is now wanting to meet. She says his words feels some of the things that she is missing with me. In one of the post to her blog he told her that he is in love with her.

We had a big fight on Monday night and she left on Tuesday to go to Mass. to visit with friends. She is from that area. She left without us working anything out so now I must go until next Tuesday before I know if I will still have a home. We tried to go away from the house to talk but our 6 year old son who was in bed already over heard some of our fight. So now he is scared that "his daddy might have to go and live somewhere else.

I hope that my wife (I will call her K from now on) will make the choice that will bring her back to her family. She is a singer/songwriter and her music and her voice that until a few weeks ago filled my heart and soul now makes me cry.

Even though I doubt anyone will read this blog, I will keep this blog updated. Please pray for us.

K, if you ever find this post remember that you are my love , my life, my heart, and my soul. I will love you for all time and remember that "death cannot stop true love, all it can do is delay it for a while".