As I slip deeper into the aybss...

1am-5am. Like clockwork. RA is still asleep. I hope he is having good dreams. I hope K, who I miss so very much, is having sweet dreams. As for me, I have been having a lot of nightmares both asleep and awake over the last few weeks.

Last week on her blog K said that sometimes she wish there were a reset button for her life. Well that got me thinking. There is a reset button for her life but I would have to be the one to push it. How many people would be better off if I were not here anymore. Now I'm not saying that I'm going out to kill myself today, I told K I would be here when she got home so she wouldn't have to end her vacation early, but what if Tuesday after she gets home I were to not be here anymore. Truly, who would miss me.

Lets look at the very short list below:

RA: He might miss me for a while but he is still young enough to bond to another male figure.

K: Might miss me for a week or two but she has had so many friends and family pass away that she gets over it an on with her life in a very short time.

Mommylady: Same as K. They are related after all. However she might miss me more than most.

Dad: His heart broke 3 years ago when my sister died. He has never been the same.

Mom: Her mind is so far gone at this point that she would forget before she put down that phone after being told I was gone.

J (the roommate): J and I have been friends for over 35 years. I'm sure he would miss me the most, but again he would get over it in a short time and get on with his life.

CM (the other guy): K says there is nothing between them. But she told me that she really wants to meet this guy and he is one of the reasons she wants a more open relationship. What am I suppose to think? Anyway, I am sure if given the chance he would be happy to help me in this project.

I know I could do it. I do not fear death. In fact some times I long for it. The only thing that has stopped me before is my luck. I have the worst luck and I'm afraid I will mess it up and spend the rest of my years in a hospital hooked up to a hundred machines. Such is life.


K, You said you wish you could love me the way that I love you? You say that you feel like you never do anything for me? You do more for me than you could ever imagine. When we are together you make me so happy. You make me proud to say that I married K and she she the most wonderful woman in the world. When god made heaven, he made it in your likeness.

When I fell in love with you, I feel for many different reasons. I fell in love with your mind and it has kept me on my toes. Some times when I'm with you I feel like Weird Al on Jeopardy. I fell in love with your heart. Lets face it, anyone who gives hugs to random trees and stuffed animals knows more love than I can ever hope to feel. I fell in love with your eyes. Eyes so deep and wonderful that sometimes when I look deep into your eyes I think that I can see the beginning of time it's self. I fell in love with your spirit. A spirit that knows no earthly bounds. I fell in love with your body. From the arch where your neck meets your shoulder. Your nose your chin, and those cheek bones that would make any supermodel green with envy. Your hands that can do the work of ten men but still hold me with so much love and compassion. Your blast furnace oven that keeps me warm on those cold nights. And your lips. Lips that have kissed me a thousand times and each one is more meaningful than the last.

What I am trying to say is, you say you wish you could love me as much as I love you, but you don't see yourself the way I see you. You don't see the love you give me in the every day things you do for me.

Remember, you are My Heart, My Soul, My Life, and My Love.

T