Breaking the Vows..

There has been a lot of talk lately between K, Myself, and friends about when you are free to love another.

You see, K and I basically have they same view on this subject. I believe that when two people say their vows, they are not only saying these vows to each other, they are saying these vows to his or her god, goddess, or whatever being they pray too. So the question is, when does a marriage end? Three days after K asked me for a divorce, we took each others hands and said we were releasing each other from our vows. In my eye's our marriage ended at that moment. K feels the same way. My friends have a different view on this subject. Most believe that until the courts say that the marriage over you must still live by your vows. So does God or Goddess accept your vows when you first say them, but then wait until a judge rubber stamps the divorce papers, or does the All Mighty release you from those vows as soon as the two parties release each other.

I would love to hear a bunch of opinions on this subject.

Thanks for all of your support...

Tony

P.S. Yesterday as was told that I had won the Post of the Day. What is that and where do you find out that information.

Memories Vol. 1

It's funny how a smell or a song or even a place can bring back memories, both good and bad.

Today I went someplace that I had not been in 20 years. Near my house is a large lake and at this lake is a small beach. About 20 years ago I took a very special person to this small beach. It was late at night and we were the only two there. On that night I kissed M for the first time, on this beach under the moonlight. I felt the same way about her then as I do about K now. Today I took M and her son back to this beach and while they played in the water I just sat on a rock looking out into the vastness of the lake. Every now and then I would catch M looking at me from the water. While sitting there a flood of memories came rushing back to me. I saw the place where M and I had or first kiss and then I started thinking, "I wonder if trees have memories. If they do, do they remember us on this beach so long ago." After about 2 hours they got out of the water and we headed back to her apartment. She is cooking dinner now and later the 3 of us will watch some movies together. I still love K with all of my heart, but M has helped take some of the edge off of the pain...

Until next time,

Tony

The Government...

This morning K left the house to take care of a few things that needed to be done. Food... She went shopping at her favorite place. Publix. But she also went to our county courthouse to get the forms we needed to start the end of our marriage. The nice lady who gave her the trilogy of paper work told her "Don't worry, most of those 1000 pages are just instructions". Can you say Bullsh__! K spent 5 hours filling out paperwork. They wanted to know about everything that we ever had or did or ever thought of doing. I did help by staying out of her way. :^) Just kidding. I sat there and when she had a question that we needed to answer together I told her "what ever". We found out that in this state child support is based on a scale kind of like the tax charts we all use. So if someone made $3000 gross a month and their spouse made nothing then got the children, the money winner then would owe about $850 per child per month. Ouch.

Anyway we got everything basically done and on Monday we will go to the courthouse, spend money we don't have to spare, visit 30 different departments, then wait 30 days for a judge to say OK, have a great life, goodbye.

So today I ended my marriage and watched my soon to be ex-wife's head spin completely around 6 times before exploding. Wow, what a fun day.

Sorry, got to run. My ex-girlfriend is calling me to the table...

K. You will always be my Heart, my Soul, my Life, and my Love.
But most of all you will always be my friend...

T.

P.S. M. Thanks for all the help you gave me that has helped me look past this painful time of my life.

P.S.S. Thanks to all of my Blog comment posters. You all said the right things at the right time that helped keep me going even in my darkest hours. I love you all....

Strange Friends...

On Monday afternoon I asked my soon to be ex-wife to email a special friend of hers and tell him that I wanted him to call me. She looked puzzled and asked why. I told her that only wanted to talk to the person and that I would be nice. Later that evening he called and we started talking about life, love, and other things that most of us are afraid to talk about with complete strangers.

My wife and I have been having some issues for a while now and he just happened to be at the wrong place at the right time. Because of the relationship between my wife and this other man I found it very easy to blame him for our problems with my marriage. He was not here and could not defend himself so I vented a lot of anger at this man even though he had done nothing wrong. First I want to say how sorry I am for this. You did nothing wrong but my pain over my divorce turned into anger and I vented that anger towards you. K, took most of this anger head-on in your place. For this I want to say I sorry K. You did not deserve any of the anger that was directed towards you. I ask both of you to please forgive me for being an ass.

I wish the best for both of you.

K. I know that we will see each other for the rest of our life's. A child makes that necessary. But I hope that we can get passed the hurt and become friends again. I need you in my life in some form.

To my new friend. Thanks for the call and thanks for helping to ease my mind about some issues I had. Know matter what happens between you and K, I hope that you will think of me as a friend and that we can put behind us some of that angry things that was said by me.

Looking to the future,

Tony

I Release you, A Repost for a friend...

This is a repost of the first poem I wrote. This was posted about a month ago. This is for you, my new friend...


I Release You...


I release you...To find the happiness that I have known since the day I met you.

I release you...To find the love that rebuilds your.

I release you...To soar like the beautiful bird that is your soul.

I release you...To find that one thing that you couldn't find with me.

I release you...Because it's the right thing to do.

I release you...From the pain of the last 8 years.

I release you...From those vows we spoke when we were so much in love.

I release you...In hopes that you will find your way back to me.

I release you...But you will always be My Wittle Bunny.

I release you...Because I Love You.

I release you...Because I Love You...

K. I release you...


You are my Heart, my Soul, my Life, and my Love.

T.

Tom...

For those of you who don't know me, I am a racing Corner Marshal. When things go really bad at a race track we are the ones who you see running across the race track while cars are still going real fast. No not NASCAR. Road Racing. We are the ones that go to the accident help the drivers and clean up any mess that they have left on our track. Sometimes that means standing in the middle of a race track while cars go by you on ether side at well over 100 mph. Sometimes closer to 200.

Because the driver depend on us for help, BTW we also show the flags that let the drivers know whats going on around the track, drivers and marshals can get very close. The racing family in general are a very tight group.

Well today I found out that a driver that I have known for a few years was killed Saturday morning in a racing accident at Road America. I can't remember the first time I met Tom Thrash. I'm sure it was when we were pulling him from a gravel trap or his car had a problem and pulled off rack at my station. But over the last few years I had run into Tom in the paddock or at my station a few more times. He always had time to say Hi or thanks for all the hard work. (we stand out there for hours in the hottest of summers and the coldest of winters for free)

Tom, if I drank I would have a tall one for you. You were truly a gentleman driver in every since of the word. Here's to you Tom. You will be morned by many and missed by many more...

RIP...

Because life is so fragile here is a few messages for you.

To K:
I will love you for all times. Even if you can't love me...

To B: (my son)
I will also love you for all times. You will always be my heart...

To All the readers of this post.
I love you all. Through all the pain. You guy's have never gave up on me. You have helped me more that you will ever know. Thank You All...

K, you are my Heart, my Soul, my Life, and my Love,
But most of all you are my friend...

Tony

Please Lord Take Me Now...

I'm ready for this life to be over....

The Hardest Part...

How do you say goodbye when your heart won't let go.

Why is it when you lose someone close to you people always say, "You will get over it", or "The Pain will go away". Trust me, you don't and it doesn't. I lost Gina to a drunk driver in 1988. A day doesn't go by where I don't think about her. I lost my sister to Cancer in 2006. I think about her all of the time. And now there is K. I lost her last month and all I can do is think about her. I see her in my dreams and in my nightmares. I hear her voice when she is not even here. I smell her scent when she is a thousand miles away. And each time these things happen the hurt is that much stronger. The pain is that more intense. It's hard to say goodbye when someone that holds that much of your heart passes, be it in body or spirit.

So how do you say goodbye when your heart won't let go?
You don't. You say I Love You because they will always be right there with you...

Gina,
I love you and I miss you so much. Thank you for always being there.

Vickie,
I love you and I miss you so much. Thank you for being my big sister and always helping me through the tough times.

K,
I love you and I miss you so much. Thank you for all the beautiful moments you gave me. From the first time you said yes to a date with me, the day you said "I Do", and the day our son was born. To the last time you said you loved me and gave me a last kiss. Thank you for those and the million other smiles in between. I only hope that one day I can look pass the pain and focus on the good times.

K, you are my Heart, my Soul, my Life and my Love.
But most of all, you are my friend.

I will love you for all times.

T.

A Brave New World...

When K's mom comes over to the house now, it kind of puts me in a bind. You see, for the last three weeks I have been living in the mother-in-law suite of the castle de crazy. so when she comes over I have to find I place to sleep. Well K and her mother have been planing a trip to Ohio from months now and anytime they go somewhere MIL comes down a day or two early so they can leave at oh God thirty in the morning.

That brings us to where I am right now. Sitting in front of a computer in an old girlfriends apartment after a long night of talking and watching movies.

The older readers will remember me talking about M. I was so much in love with M about 20 years ago and then we had a very nasty break-up. We parted ways and for the next 17 years we didn't talk. Hell we didn't even know if the other was still alive. But anyway, just a few days after K told me she wanted a divorce M and I found each other on Classmate.com. I had been looking for her for some time. I really missed our friendship. So last week she and I picked a very public place and we met for lunch. Let me get back to the original idea behind this post. You can read all of this in one of my more resent post.

On Monday while I was thinking about where I was going to sleep for a day or two, M asked if I wanted to come over and crash at her place. I told her I would let her know and started to help K get ready for their trip. Yesterday my MIL came to the house to get ready for a Friday escape. So while taking a nap on the library floor, I realized that I had to find somewhere for the night. It was about that time that M called and asked if I was still coming over for a visit. I told her yes but it was about this same time that K and MIL said that they were going to leave in a few minutes. So at this point I no longer needed a place to stay. Within just a few minutes I kissed RA goodbye, told K and MIL that I loved them, and watched them drive away. I had already told M that I would come over so I got a shower and called to let her know I was on my way. She asked if I had eaten dinner and I offered to pick something up for us. BTW the new KFC grilled chicken is good. So we ate dinner, talked, worked on some of her projects, and watched movies until 4am. She asked me if I still wanted to stay the night and being that it was already 4am I said yes. I slept on the couch while she slept on her bed and her son slept in his bed. Like one big happy family. That was a joke. It was nice to be somewhere without the stress that I have felt at home for the last few weeks. It was nice to be able to get some quality sleep for a change.

So that's how I ended up sleeping in the apartment of my ex-girlfriend. I could go into more juicy details, but there's just not any....


K, you are my Heart, my Soul, my Life, and my Love.
But most of all you are my friend.

I Love You.

T.

Lets Hurt Even More...

A few days ago I wrote a post that my wife K took the wrong way. She commented on this post which you can read. After explaining what I meant in the post, I posted a personal apology to K and to anyone who saw that post and might have taken it the wrong way.

Yesterday K and I were talking about different things and getting ready to go to the bank and take care of some of the divorce paperwork, when I said that before this new guy came to stay with our son I wanted to know more about him. I had been told nothing about him other than a name he uses on a computer. (not his real name) At this time K got very mad and said I only wanted this information so I could run background checks on this mystery man. I reminded her that someone very close to her had said I should run a background check and that I had told them NO, I didn't want K to think I was spying on her. She continued to say that I didn't trust her and I was spying on her and him. I told her I wanted to run his name through the National Sex Crime Database just to make sure my son was safe. This just made her more upset. I guess wanting to know about the people that might become a major part of my son's life makes me a bad person. Anyway about this time our son was being ask to get pants on for the 5th time. Because of the fight K and I were having at the time I got upset with him and told him I was going to get his pants and he was in big trouble. As I got close to the dryer my son threw something at my back out of anger. This really set me off so I just left the house. Just started walking away. I walked at 5 miles down the road before calling K and letting her know where I was. She did come pick me up and my son said he was sorry.

So yesterday K writes a post to her blog talking about how She shouldn't go on a trip that she is leave for on Friday. Shes afraid that I will do something to the house or steal everything or something. Chaos is how she put it. So just as she had done, I posted a comment on her post. She then took took down the comments on that post. Maybe I was wrong in wanting to know more about this guy before he met my son. If so then I am at fault in this. If not, then this is my only way to tell my side of this story.

K, you are my Heart, my Soul, my Life, and my Love.
But most of all you are my Friend.

I Do Love You...

T.

Reading it Wrong...

I posted yesterday about the way i have felt the last 3 weeks. In this post I said some things that may have sounded like I was attacking K. I did not mean for this to be the case. K is a wonderful Mother and our son is the single most important thing in her life. K, if this came across in any other way I want to apologize. This was not my intention. I also want to apologize to anyone else that might have taken my words as an attack on K.

The post was to show how I feel like a second class citizen in my own house. It was not meant for any other reason. From now on I will try to be more careful with my words.

K, you are my Heart, my Soul, my Life, and my Love.
But most most of all you are my Friend.

I Love You.

T.

The Slow Death of Love...

What do we do about RA? Who gets the tv? What about the wedding pictures?

K has moved pass the getting upset about all of this. She has never shown any weakness during this divorce. I didn't know that life could hurt so bad, and it doesn't help that she puts on this I don't care attitude. I don't have anywhere to go, so my mother told me to come down and stay with her. She is 76 years old and isn't able to do much for herself anymore. Last month there would have been no way that K would have let me move back with my mom. She even said that if something happened between us, she would not let me move out until I had a place away from my mom's house. My how things have change. Last night she told me she really needed me out of the house asap. When I told her ok she asked where I was going. I told her that right now my mom's is the only place I have to go. I told her that I am working on another place but it might be 30 days before I could move in. She told me as long as it was not permanent, that I should go live at my mom's. What could have changed her mind about me so quickly.

About 30 days ago everything in the W house was going great. We went to movies together, played with our son, and did all the things a normal family would do. We were even looking at new matching titanium wedding rings. She met met someone at the track who had one and she started looking into styles and prices. She was emailing me web sites and pictures. Well I guess I don't have to worry about the rings I was giving you for our 9 th wedding anniversary. Anyway, about 30 days ago she started an online friendship with him. She says he is in Houston but his phone # is located in Austin. But that's nether here nor there. In the last 30 days their friendship has turned into a relationship. If that's what it takes to make K happy, then I'm happy for her. All I want is for the love of my life to be happy. So in 30 days I went from someone she loved enough to want to get new wedding rings with to a roommate that he wants out of the house today.

So when she got home last night after being gone all weekend with her friend K2. (They were doing some work) I asked her to sit down with me to talk about a few details about the upcoming divorce. We talking about the splitting of the assets and most importantly how we would handle our son's well being. I thought that we had decided that RA would stay with his mom and I would have always be able to see his son whenever I chose. But this time when the subject was brought up she said a friend had told her that the courts would have to decide how RA would be handled. She said she was also told the courts would have to decide how much child support payments would be. Anyway in the middle of this important talk her cell phone rang. It was him. You could tell by the way the tone in her voice changed when she picked up the phone. In that one second we went from a serious talk about our son's future to her talking to him. Seems like the last two weeks anytime her and I need to talk about the future he calls and I am sent to my room. Not once has she told him "Can I call you back. I'm in the middle of something important". He is a big reason for her wanting me out of the house so fast. She told me she would not feel right having him or any other man come to stay with her while I'm still here.

K, I know that he is now a very important part of your but RA and I both still need you in our lives.

You are my Heart, my Soul, my Life, and my Love.
But most of all you are my Friend.

I Love You.

T.

Long time ago...

How do you say thank you to someone who for the last 20+ years has always found a way to show up in my life just when things look the darkest. CW was my first true love. The kind that you spend the rest of your life thinking of what might have been. I have had 5 of those relationships but she was the first. I met CW at a movie. She was with another guy so I asked him if they were dating. He said no so I asked her out on a date. She was and still is so beautiful and always said just the right things when I needed her the most. We spent about 2 years together and I loved every minute of it. We made love everywhere you could think of and some places that you might not. At this time I was unwilling to let go of a part of my life that kept us apart on most Fridays and Saturdays. Looking back I think of how stupid I was during those time. She got tired of waiting for me and one day she left.

Many years later she found me on AOL and we started a new online friendship. For a few years we would email each other from time to time, then one day she told me that she was moving to OK. The next day her email was shut off and she was gone again.

CW was the first friend I looked for and found on Facebook. She is now married and living over seas. We chat from time to time and I have told her how much I have missed her. I hope that in the future she does not leave me high and dry again.

CW, GR, JM, MN, and now K, I want to thank each of you for the love, the magic, and the true feeling of togetherness that I have felt with each one of you. You have all touched my life in different ways and all but GR left me for better things. GR, I still miss you so much. When that drunk driver took you from me, I thought that I would never find that kind of love again. K took the last picture I had of you and had it mounted and framed to hang in our home. Thats how much love K had for me.

CW, Thanks for the Love and Friendship. You were the one that held me together in the first days of this divorce. There were times that I wanted to end it all, but you were there to let me know that I was still needed. For that I owe you my life. Thanks for all you do...

K, you are my Heart, my Soul, my Life, and my Love.
But most of all you are my Friend.

I Love You...

T.

Old Friends...

K is and always will be he greatest love of my life. I can't seem to shake the fact that she's gone. A hurt so deep that I thought I would never talk to another human. Then something strange happened.

In a resent post I told the story about my friend M. M and I dated from 1990 to 1993. When it ended there was a lot of hurt. Hurt I thought I would never get over. We didn't talk for 17 years. Not a word. Then K told me she wanted this divorce. 3 days later M found me on Classmates and we met for lunch. We ate lunch and caught up on the last 17 years. She was married and had a son then got divorced about 10 years ago. M and I have talked a lot over the last three days and it has helped me understand that sometimes people grow apart. Thank you M for all the support over the last few days. You have really helped me keep my heart on the prize. No matter what happens between K and I you will always be my friend.

K. You will always be my greatest love and I will always be here for you.
You are my Heart, my Soul, my Life, and my Love.
But most of all you are my friend.

I Love You.

T.

The Vows...

She wrote or vows. Beautiful words that made me cry right there in front of God and everybody. Not we have parted and those words feel empty. I understand that she doesn't want to be my wife anymore. I understand that she needs me out of the house as soon as possible, to help her with her healing. I will do my best to be out quickly. To give her the complete freedom she so needs. We will still see each other when I come to pick up our son. And now that she is part of my clan, she is part of the W family for life. She will be invited to all holidays and family functions. You didn't know that once your in the "Family" there is no way out. So K, you will always be my one true love and I will always be waiting in case you want to come back home.

I spent yesterday talking to two old friends that I lost touch with almost 20 years ago. K knows of these two ladies and understands my past with them. The first one I will call M. M and I dated for 3 years starting in 1990. We found each other on Classmates.com and been talking off and on for a few days now. I had lunch with M and her son yesterday. We talked about old times and what is happening now in my life. She said she would pray for K and I. Thats sweet. M and my relationship ended very bad. There was a lot of hurt and anger when we spilt so I didn't know how I would feel about seeing her for lunch. It ended up being a very calming day. We sat and talked for about 5 hours. In the end I realized that although we had parted in the worst of ways, we had moved past that part in our lifes. We had grown past the pain. Thank you M for helping me realize that over time I will move on past the pain.

My second friend is J. J and I just lost touch about 17 years ago. She just up and left without warning. I found her on Facebook two days ago. We have talked about the past and K. She then told me why she had ran away 17 years ago. She told me that her daughter was likely mine. A 19 year old that has never knew her father. I knew her when she was 2. I was there when she was born. She might not be mine. But I wouldn't mind at all. So last night at about 10pm J called me to let me know that her soon to be ex had beaten her but he was told he had to leave the house for the night. I told K about this and she said I should go and get her out of the house. K even said if she needed a place to stay for the night I should bring her back to the house. I went to pick J up and take her to her mothers house but we ended up driving around for a while. Just talking, letting her clear her head. She even called K on the phone to thank her for letting me go pick her up. After we got to her mom's house she invited me in to talk. The door opened and there stood J's daughter. After we talked for some time I asked her daughter if she wanted to know if I was really her dad. She said no. I understand. She grew up knowing someone else as her dad and we agreed that it would be better for everyone if things remained the same. K knows about her and thought it would be great if she were my daughter. K is so understanding. Thats one of the thousands of reasons that I love her more than life itself. J, daughter and I talked until 4 am then I headed home. J, thank you for being there to talk to me about my problems even though you were going through a lot of crap of your own last night. And K, thank you for just being there.

K. You will always be my Heart, my Soul, my Life, and my Love.
But most of all you will always be my Friend.

I Love You.

T.

P.S. In a week or two....

Today I Died...

I was that one. The one that pushed to hard. I tried to explain that I was not trying to hurt her. She could not believe those words. Thinking that I was only trying to restart a love that she let go of long ago. She says she must let me go to keep from hurting me. She does not realize that last night when she told me to find another place to live, she did not hurt me, she killed me. She didn't mean too. I forgive her. I will not bother her again. I will miss her and suffer in silence. My heart to hurt forever. Forever without my Wife. Forever without my Son.

Last night I started to die. I will die a little each day. I have made a cry for help. A cry that will never be heard.

K. You will always be my Heart, my Soul, my Life, and my Love.
But most of all you will always be my friend.

I Love You.

T.

???

Today K told me she wants a divorce and wants me out of the house.

Enough said.....

K. You will always be my Heart, my Soul, my life, and my Love.
But most of all you will always be my friend.

T.